Every Cloud don’t Have A Silver Lining – Surviving being dumped

The first man I fell truly, madly, deeply for was the first man who broke my heart.When I met him, I believed that I had found my forever.I would not let anyone tell me otherwise, though many tried.He saw me and loved me for who I was and that was all that mattered to me.

It began to deteriorate after about nine months.I begun compromising myself for the sake of keeping the relationship going.After a year he was not the man that I fell in love with, but what was so much more painful was that I was not the woman he fell in love with.I was not even the woman who fell in love with him.

The Answer

To why I lost you

Lies in the place

I left me.

No one ever leaves a relationship before its expiration date.I don’t care if it the immediate cause is another woman, another man, or just a better life.The relationship had already reached a point of diminishing return.Most of us have a tendency to stay in a relationship long after it has become moldy and begun to stink up our lives.We stay for many reasons, but the greatest reason is the emotional investment.It is like investing in a stock.We invest in a great stock and as it rises in value we increase our investment.Then it starts going down, little by little.We hold – knowing that it will go up again; we hope that it will go up again at least enough to break even.We don’t sell because until we sell, we don’t realize the loss.

In a relationship, the initial investment is time is very low in comparison to the enormous return of happiness.We invest our love, our dreams, our beliefs, then our trust and commitment. If it begins to lose the value that it once had, we start increasing our investment by over-compensating, giving more of ourselves, giving all of ourselves, and in the end, giving up ourselves. When that does not work, and the signs of a failed relationship begin to show to the world – we up the ante by investing our pride, and as a last resort our integrity.Then one party finds a way out – finds a way to recoup some of his or her emotional investment through another woman or man.Someone who will re-establish the value, the self worth that we feel we have lost through having over invested in a relationship that has nothing left to return.But this does not happen out of the blue, if it’s an affair, it is kept secret while the other partner still believes both are equally vested, even if they are vested in a sinking stock.Yet, it’s not equal.One partner is secretly siphoning off his share of the emotional investment and putting it into another stock.This doesn’t have to be another person, it could be a plan to see the world, join an ashram, it doesn’t matter.One partner had found a way to begin rebuilding his emotional portfolio while the other still believes they are in it together.One partner has his entire being immersed in the relationship while the other has been quietly extricating herself.Then – when the departing partner feels secure enough that the new investment will assist in recouping what was lost.He or she abruptly – in the eyes of the partner being left behind – closes the account.All of the emotional losses fall on the partner who remained.

By the time a relationship comes to an end through the actions of one of the partners, the only thing left the investment is its definition.The one who was left behind believed that, as long as there was a shell and two participants, there was hope, and, even more importantly, believed that he had nothing left to leave with – everything was spent, was invested.A relationship ends when it has stopped growing, the only reason anything stops growing is that it is dead.The only thing that happens when one party ends the relationship is, the loss is realized by the partner left behind.By the time one party leaves a relationship the only thing left to do is bury the rotting corpse.There is no bond left, there is no shared vision, no shared desire, no shared hopes – nothing left to save or to hold onto.

It is devastating to be left.This is true even if most of the time we can no longer stand to see our partner’s face, because by this time the lack of return is equal to our diminished expectations. By this time our only hope is that our partner is willing to settle for as little as we are.It hurts to be left, and when it happens we just want that person back, it doesn’t matter if they are mean to us, or abusive to us, or ignores us, or humiliate us, we just want him back.But if we stop to think about what we are willing to endure to have that person return, we will realize that the things that we are now willing to endure are things that we would never have considered suffering for anyone.Of course, those were things that we would never do when we still had self-respect.And it feels very much like that leaves with our former other half.The reason that we are willing to humiliate ourselves is not because we want that person back.It is because we want ourselves back. We don’t want the person back who left us; we just want to be unleft.We don’t want to feel like someone worthless enough to be left behind, it’s not about the one who leaves us – it’s about what we feel that we are left with.

A funny thing happened to me on my way to, “Losers Anonymous”.I heard a song that had one line in it that said, “Every cloud don’t have a silver lining”.It is funny, but that changed my life.I realized that he was, or at least had become an a—hole, and there was no silver lining in this cloud.It wasn’t the loss of him, or even of us that I was mourning so deeply, it was the belief that I could have made it work because it was workable.It was workable because every cloud has a silver lining.It was workable because I believe that ‘all you need is love’.So, if I had love then I was just the biggest loser in the world because nothing else could explain my standing here alone.But that song made me realize that if something has a limited shelf life, like my relationship had, I did not lose it, break it, mess it up, or ruin it.

I had made a huge emotional investment in the relationship.But the only way that I would be forced to realize a loss, was if I still believed that there was something left for him to offer me.And I really didn’t – we left each other long before he left the relationship.So, what I lost was the part of me that I invested in the relationship and if I could now gain insight and growth, I would not only recoup my investment, but I could turn a profit, because the stock of Me, Inc. had risen remarkably.Whenever someone walks out, they are doing us a favor because for us, there just is no more water in that well.Those we love may die, and cause us to feel a temporary sense of separation, but anyone who we truly love will never leave us in spirit. They move on to what is next for their growth, and allow us to do the same, and all in the spirit of the love that we shared.

Regardless of what we tell ourselves in the moment while we are looking at our joint plans shattered on the floor around us, we knew that we had nothing more to share with the one who left long before the door closed behind him.And after the pity party, and the hangover – comes the enlightenment of a new and stronger sense of self-worth and an even greater sense of power than we ever had before the experience.

FOUND

In pain

I found strength

In lies

I found truth

In deceit

I found trust

In being lost

I found my way

And in rejection

I found myself.

Instructions For Assembling and Maintaining a Loving Relationship

I was watching a cooking show the other day called, “The Barefoot Contessa”, and Ina, the chef in the show, said that she and her husband were celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary.   She said that they were as happy after forty years of marriage as they were the day that they met.  She said that she didn’t believe in working on a relationship, their recipe for happiness in marriage was simple, she wanted to make him happy and he wanted to make her happy.  Work can make a relationship last, but work is not enjoyable.  So, should it really be work?  No, it really shouldn’t.

Our entire growth experiences as human beings is based upon relationships.  The world in which we live exists through relationship.  It is made up of the relationship of one thing to another, of one state of being to another, of one belief system to another and of one person to another.  We understand up because we understand down, we understand dark because we understand light.  Without the two opposite points, we would not have a path to journey upon.  Every human relationship that we have aids us in discovering ourselves, our needs, and what we need to fulfill our lives.

Each thing in our lives that we pursue, we pursue because we are attracted to it.  We are attracted to a food, to a style of dress, to a path of study, a belief system, a career, a friend and a partner.  With each thing that we are attracted to, we taste, we test out, we try on, we investigate, we study.  We do this with everything except our emotional relationships.  In that one, most important area, we just close our eyes and jump.  I believe that it has a great deal to do with society, our families and our peers convincing us that there is a deadline to meet.  If we are not in a relationship by a certain age, it is too late.  It is like musical chairs, if we are not seated when the music stops – we are out.  We are out in the cold, all alone, left to starve.

There is a painful cellular, or past life memory of the deadly consequences, especially for women, of being alone.  There was a time when it was a death sentence.  But that was then and this is now, at least in the west.  We are wired spiritually, genetically, to be attracted to the path that we are meant to travel.   That is the law of attraction.  We are magnetized to our journeys – to our lessons.  So, an example would be that one is attracted to art, then to painting, then to decorative painting.  Through decorative painting one becomes attracted to interior design, and from interior design one finally arrives at a passion and perfect fit with architecture.  Had that person remained in decorative painting after she was drawn to interior design – she would have been unhappy and unfulfilled.  However, it was decorative painting that not only opened her up and prepared her for interior design, but it was what led her to interior design.  It was also her initial attraction to art, then to painting that began the journey.

Some people come into life to name that tune in one note, others come in to name that tune in ten notes.  Human beings are not standardized, our journeys are not standardized, so we cannot standardize the lives that we live.  Success in life is not measured by how many steps it took to get there, but that we ultimately got there.  This is equally valid in our relationships.  Sometimes it takes more than one relationship to find out who we are, what we need, and what we have to give.  Sometimes what we find out about ourselves in one relationship leads us to another.  I read once, that some people enter our lives for a season, some for a reason, and some for a lifetime.  We will not know which is which based upon when they enter.  We will not know which is which based upon the power of the energy that draws us to them or by the passion that we feel around them.  We will only know by the inner sense of fulfillment, of peace and of completion that we feel because they are in our lives.  Each one of us has our own, individual first and last.  And until we reach the last – we are not meant to know in advance which it is.  So armed with patience and our eyes open, we can move on to what that lifetime relationship requires to be fulfilling.

The first thing that is needed is respect.  However high those pheromones are flying, if we don’t respect the person that we are with, those pheromones are not just going to land, they are going to crash.  It is just not possible to continue to treat someone with respect who we really don’t feel respect for.  And if we do not treat our partner with respect, eventually they are going to leave.

We have to have shared values.  If not initially, we have to be at least open to understanding enough to personally value the values of the other.  There must be common ground.  For example, I am very spiritual, and I have a lot of beliefs that everyone does not share.  The person I am with does not have to share my beliefs, but, he has to share my values.  He has to be caring, compassionate, and value others.  He does not have to be spiritual if his sense of humanity is strong.  Who we are, who we believe ourselves to be rests, for better or for worse on our values.  Our values are what we consider to be valuable – they are a reflection of what our souls have accomplished up to this point.  Regardless of the emotions that we feel for another person if our values clash, our sense of being valued will deteriorate.  So much of what we do, of how we react to life comes from our core values that if we are not compatible at that level, the level of our personal foundations, then the foundation of the relationship is not sound enough to withstand the pressures of everyday life.

We need to have developed, within ourselves, the ability to trust.  This is important because we will always find what we are looking for.  If we are unable to trust, we will find reasons to justify our mistrust.   Once we find or imagine those reasons, we are stuck there and the relationship is neglected.

Those are the ingredients that we need to build the foundation of a good and lasting relationship.  They are not what we need to do.  Each person in a relationship must enter it thinking not of what he or she wants to get out of it, or get from the other person, but what he or she wants to give.  Each partner must want, above all, to make the other partner happy.  It is important that this is not a job.  It is important that it is not work.  If I am going to spend most of my time focused on making my partner happy – that in itself must give me some happiness.  If it is a chore, if it feels too much like a sacrifice, then I should not be in that relationship.  If each partner is focused on the happiness and wellbeing of the other partner – then both partners will be happy.

No one outgrows a relationship with these ingredients.   That is because it grows and expands with the needs of each partner because both partners are concerned about the other’s needs.  Life is hard work; a relationship should make it easier to overcome the hard times in life.  It should never create them.  No two people are always going to agree about everything, but if you are both on the same floor, you will eventually find each other, find a way to come together.  Outside of the bedroom, every issue begins with our values.  When two people come together to form a relationship, each places on the table in front of the other, their dreams, hopes, fears, desires, and most of all, self value.  All of these together represent the love that each seeks to share.  Each one shares this love by entrusting the other with these precious parts of who he or she is.  Unless each partner takes those dreams, hopes, fears, desire, etc. of the other and places it before their own,  both partners end up focused only on themselves.  In doing this, the other’s happiness is neglected.  Each feels unloved, alone, and betrayed.  No one feels loved because no one loved.

When you find two people who, after forty, fifty, sixty years still look at each other with love, reach for the other’s hand you know some important things.  You know first, that each can love.  You know that each can trust.  You know that each can give.  Most of all, you know that it is possible to have that kind of love.  It doesn’t take work, but it does take risk.  It is a risk to give your heart in trust to another person.  It is a risk to put another person’s happiness ahead of your own.  Sometimes it feels like the greatest risk is to walk away when your heart says it is so right, but a voice inside of your head says it is so wrong.  Follow your heart to the door, but make sure that you walk in with both.

Each relationship that we have is as destined to be as any other.  The difference is only the purpose that they serve.   None are mistakes, none are failures.  There is no time frame within which love can be found.  The only schedule that we need to follow is the one within our souls.  We are always on time.