A pile of bricks may look like something that was knocked down, broken, but perhaps it is really something in the process of being completed. Perhaps we can’t heal because we are not broken, just in the process of our own perfection. We are so deeply committed to being broken, to believing that there is something wrong with us because life is not perfect that we miss the fact that everything is part of a process – not yet there is different than being lost.
I am interracial. I learned about the racial separations of people when I watched the movie, “Imitation of Life” This sad movie about a Black maid who has a child by a White man, who worked for a White woman and her daughter. Their lives were doomed because the child who tried to pass for White and was ashamed of her mother and of her own racial identity. After I watched the movie I asked my mother if I was a Negro and she said yes. I asked her if she was a Negro and she said, no. I asked her if my father was a Negro and she said, yes. I told her that I wanted to be White like her. I was devastated. Maybe that was why my mother did not like me. I kept thinking about the pain in the movie. I tried to escape the issue, never using the colors black or white. When I went to the soda shop and asked for a malted I would ask for a blue and blue malted. My mother would whisper to the clerk that I really want a black and white malted so that I would not hear. My world was small, and it was all White except for me. Everyone seemed happy except for me. Maybe there was a connection, there was in the movie.
Interracial sounds like you are part of two races. The true feeling was one of belonging nowhere not a part of either race. I was not Black and I was not White. I was a zebra, an Oreo cookie something that appeared to be feared. I wished that I knew other members of my in-between race. Since I was obviously not White, I tried to be Black; there I met with surprising hostility. I just assumed that Black people would want me. Of course I know now that my personality did not help. It is quite remarkable how we wear our self image on the outside. Thinking that no one knows how much we don’t like ourselves we attempt a mask., a lie, but it doesn’t work.. People end up responding to us in the same way that we respond to ourselves.
I was put into psychotherapy when I was in second grade. The private school I attended told my father that I believed my mother did not love me. He told them that she did not. He told me that it really should not matter. I really tried to get on that page with him but it was a little too much of a reach for a 7 year old. Oh, by this time I had a sister, she was the apple of my mother’s eye. Every day as I drew near to where they were waiting I would feel a black hole building in the pit of my stomach and pulling all of my feelings in. It was this withdrawal that my teachers noticed. I did not have a clue as to who I was, I was so lost and confused about what I was.
Today when people meet me they see someone who has it all together. They see someone who is completely centered. They don’t see the road that brought me here, and neither did I. I did not see that I was not broken, that these were not hazards but learning tools. I was not open to the possibility that there could be good ahead. This was not the end for me it was only the beginning, but I could not see it.
We all start with a different deck of cards, but somehow they are all stacked. I went from therapist to therapist trying to find out what was wrong with me and then fix it. Something had to be wrong with me. Who was I? I was a defective mulatto girl who no one wanted. As time passed, I became very vested in my pain. My ego felt safe in this image. Safe being broken. I was a victim first class. I wore the badge and played the role. I repeated that position in all of my relationships. Years and years of therapy and my situation did not change.
There is an ego death in healing. It requires letting go of an identification that has served well from its inception. This of course is not to say that it was wrong. The fact is that it was the right step for us to be on at the time. And if we have reached an answer it is because of the way that we have taken not in spite of it. Each road that we take is a road that leads us to where we need to go. With so many people seeking to heal, and so many people coming out and speaking about their dysfunctional beginnings and lives, perhaps it is not dysfunctional at all.
If everyone is in some process of healing, perhaps we should realize that it is not healing that we need. In order to build our muscles we exercise, we lift weights, the heavier the weight the stronger our muscles become. This is not just physical. Those things that occurred in our lives that we consider hurtful, those things that we are healing from are merely the weights that in this life we have to lift in order to become stronger, in order to grow in whatever area we have chosen in this life. We are not healing we are growing and it is through the resistance, through the challenges and yes, the pain, that we gain the greatest strength and the greatest power. No one is lost. We do not come here with some sort of map that some of us misplace. We come here with a plan, with a path that is emblazoned in our souls. The markers come along the way from the experiences that we have and the feelings that we experience. We need to let go of our judgment of ourselves and let God lead our way
What impedes us is that our ego, our feeling of security is totally connected with our having been right, even if it hurt. There is the saying, “Better the hell you know than the hell you don’t”, and the truth is that to the ego, the hell you know is better than anything that you don’t know. This block prevents us from being able to receive the guidance that comes from within; we have become so hung up on how we feel now, that we have stopped hearing the wisdom of the Architect of it all. The ego functions in black or white, right or wrong. We need to tell it that it is not an issue of right or wrong it is an issue of right and right, right then and right now. That way was so right that it lead to this way.
Life will no longer give us any form of security if we try to live it based upon the tried and true. Life is being reborn each day and with it so must we. Each day there is a new set of questions that yesterday’s answers do not fit. That does not mean that yesterday’s answers were wrong, they were right yesterday. The problem that we are faced with is not that we did anything wrong, it is that we are constantly trying to make what worked before work now. This is a new age, none of the old rules apply. We must lovingly examine our lives in a beautiful new way. If life were a school, what are the lessons that my life would be meant to teach me? Where can I forgive more, love more, care more, feel more for others? How can I apply the spiritual principals that I am here to learn to the experiences that have brought me here? I can look at my life today and fully understand the necessity of the path that brought me here. And I have faith that I may not understand why the things that happen to me now, painful things, are happening, but when I reach the place that they will lead me, I will know exactly why I was meant to travel that road.
We do not need to question ourselves and find fault with the methods we had for dealing with life; we merely need to be open to new methods appropriate to new lives. It is vital that we now open ourselves to the world as it is, changing and adapting with each day.
There are new situations and each of us can face them and find all that we are seeking simply by recognizing that we live a new “now” in every moment. We can satisfy our hunger by being open to the food that we are given. We need to receive answers without judging ourselves for not having seen them before. We did not see them before because they were not appropriate before. We see what we need to see exactly when we need to see it. We prevent ourselves from growing and living in the present because we are tangled up in the judgment of our lives and our actions in the past rather than understanding the importance to our growth of handling our lives the way that did at the time.
Anything new requires us to change something that we thought, or felt before. That change does not mean that before we were wrong, it just means that before was before. There is no reason to apply what we learn today to what we did yesterday. What we need to do is to apply what we learn today to today. We cannot criticize what we did yesterday based on the new information that we have today.
We can heal by realizing that we do not need to heal, we need to learn, we need to understand, we need to release – which is what forgiveness means, and then move on. Living requires being open and able to receive what is here today. The What is new in no way denies the validity of what was old. What we do can in no way reflects badly on what we did, each thing is appropriate to its time, each action was appropriate under the circumstances within which it occurred.
Our lives, when examined well, show us the perfection of our living. If you are reading this, or anything that you have been directed to, it is because there is something in it that is just perfect for where you are now or soon will be. If the information rings a bell, if it feels right, that is because it is the key to the door that you need to open now. It would have never fit before. Each soul has a journey that is perfect for it, and we each walk it perfectly.
Life has changed. Life is constantly changing. We need to be constantly open to those changes. With each new day, our bodies are changing and growing, evolving. So it is that we need to change and grow spiritually and emotionally as well. This is the process of living. Life is not chaos life is growth. My own beliefs, especially my beliefs about God had changed many times, and sometimes I fought the change, but each time I reached a deeper level of love and a deeper sense of awe in the Source of all things, as God changed for me from an old man in Heaven to the most Divine Guiding Loving by mysterious Presence.
In order to heal ourselves and live in the happiness that we all are seeking we need to accept that we have lived our lives well up to this point. We each have battle scars; they are signs of our having lived passed a course. They are not meant to show us where we have failed but where we have succeeded because we went on.
To heal is to grow, to grow is to move forward and use what we have in each moment. Be open to today’s lesson; be ready for today’s gift. Yesterday is complete and perfect unto itself. There are no changes to be made. The cure for the hunger is to be open today to perhaps a new kind of nourishment. Let yesterday’s food pass through us with each yesterday so that there is room enough for todays. Let us not compare today with yesterday and not compare ourselves today with who we were yesterday. They are different.
There is no point in being here if we cannot be open to what it has to offer. Become born again each day. We are to be born anew with each new sunrise. We should be as children each time that we open our eyes and remember that wonder we once felt. Pain is always a part of the past, because each moment is gone as soon as we notice that it is here. Let go and face this day, as if it were your first. In this way we will find healing, even more than that, we will find joy.
As your soul travels its own journey, it will be wonderful, that does not mean only happy, it means full of wonder. You will be open to hear the messages that come to you from the Universe and the help that you will receive from your guides and the Universe itself.